I know I’m breaking all the rules. Using food to make myself feel better. And not just food, but food with sugar and dairy. But I’ve been in a cranky pants kind of mood the last few weeks, waking up so tired each morning even though I’m getting my 7+ hours of sleep and even though my thyroid levels from the Hashimoto’s are supposedly in my happy place, as my naturopath likes to call it. So after I got back from walking the dog this morning, I decided to use my last over-ripe banana to make gluten free banana bread.
Since I’ve onset autoimmune conditions, I’ve found that denial can be a powerful healer. Ignoring pain, fatigue or other random symptom can work to a point, getting me through a moderately successful day with my kids (which for me is not raising my voice, but still being too impatient with them).
So in that vein, I used my grandmother’s much-loved traditional banana bread recipe to make my banana bread, rather than looking online for a gluten-free recipe. Instead of sugar, I used organic sugar, and instead of wheat flour, I used almond meal/flour. I did an almost-exact substitution of the almond meal for the flour, which I remembered was a mistake after it was already combining in the mixer.
But I had just made this recipe a few days before with my youngest child, who was really proud of our effort. I’ve been frustrated that I haven’t been able to taste the banana bread, since I’m strict about staying gluten free. Usually I’m ok with not eating our family recipes, but this time I was feeling annoyed. I want a piece of banana bread with my morning coffee. I want to feel like everything isn’t different, just for a few minutes.
But after the banana bread came out of the oven, it was of course different. Without wheat flour, this wasn’t my grandma’s recipe. It looked different, smelled different. And it was misshapen. But whatever, it was banana bread. I got myself 90% there. And when I ate it, it tasted good. Not the way I remember hers tasting when I was a kid, but still really good.
So I’m trying to move to acceptance. Yes, life is different. This isn’t the life I planned. But even though the banana bread isn’t the same, and nothing else is either, it’s pretty darn good. And that is enough.
About the Author
Katie Cleary is founder of AutoimmuneMom.com. She lives with three autoimmune conditions, her husband, kids and mini labradoodle dog in Austin, Texas.